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  • Jane

It would be very nice if I would die

May 2016.

Mum (after pishing all night): It would be very nice if I would die.

September 2016

Mum talks to me about her ring -  the one her mother slipped into her hand at Auschwitz before she was sent to be gassed.

I'm alone already. I've done the right thing. Mummy decided for me what to do with the ring. It's a feeling. It's not tragic. I'm so lonely here.

December 2016

I prepared a list of my observations of mum for the geriatrician:

Spends a lot of time in bed resting or sleeping.

Sits and stares into nowhere for ages

Says ‘she’ll be better’. Just wants ‘quiet’

Not contacting friends anymore. Stopped meeting her girlfriends for Sunday lunch (until a couple of weeks ago she would meet them every week)

Usually sounds morose on the phone, i.e. - a whispered ‘hello’. Occasionally she is more perky, but mostly sounds melancholy

Speaks of having enough of life, and would ‘commit suicide’ if it wasn’t harmful for the family’s reputation.

Not interested in going to places she might have enjoyed a year ago (art gallery etc).

Difficult to have a fluent conversation with her.

Jumbles her pronouns and words. And verbs, especially ‘going’ and ‘coming’ words are often back the front (ie. You came/went….he/she went/came…)

Struggles with planning her meals (already prepared in freezer) - eg. ‘What shall I eat today for lunch?’

Less confident to go shopping by herself

Her reading has reduced drastically (not sure if she reads at all)

Reduced TV watching (house is usually in dead silence)

If I push her too much she gets very upset e.g. She started to scream when I urged her to say hello to her friend on the phone.

The geriatrician's report:  

Vascular dementia. Her ‘kooki’, eccentric personality pops out now. Problem with judgement and monitoring flair ups. If you push her too much she gets upset. We have to accept that she's demented.


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