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Downhill days

4.3.19

One day all this journaling will stop, I know. But at the moment it’s full on, especially emotionally. 

Lucy the carer came this morning and gave mum a wash. Lucy said Mum’s gone downhill a lot in the past week. Meanwhile I tidied Mum’s room and found another kuki nappy in the regular bin and stinky pishy nappies in her dressing gown pockets. 

My hands also stink. Sometimes, because I’m unprepared and upset, I don’t think to wear gloves. I have a heavy feeling in my chest. 

I’m upset because I can see Mum going downhill. I resist putting her in Aged Care, she will die quickly there. As much as she’s vague she knows it’s special for her to be here at home. I’m especially concerned because I’m having surgery in three weeks and won’t be able to care for her at all. The others will need to do that. I’ll need to call the council and get someone to wash her in the mornings. Or Jewish care. 

It’s a big worry. 

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